thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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