can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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