i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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