I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
