God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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