Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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