In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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