Your dad touched me again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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