I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
