i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
