today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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