She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
