i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
