Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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