Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
