That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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