the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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