youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
