I am puke
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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