I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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