Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
