Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
