I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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