she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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