Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
