Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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