If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
