Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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