there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
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COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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