He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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