it was like eating out sand paper
operation have a gay friend backfired
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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