Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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