i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
