So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
