I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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