is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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