the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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