I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
50% drunk capacity currently
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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