Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
