I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
