I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
