brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize