I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
