I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
