Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
