mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
