I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
