if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
