Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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