My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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