if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
