i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
