Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
