tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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