My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
