Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
zippers are such a cool invention
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
