So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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