Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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